"The Death Bed Theory"

When I was younger and confronted by a major life decisions (which most likely involved the typical Saturday dilemma of whether I should treat myself to a second viewing of 'Die Hard' or go for 'Grease' instead), I had two sure-fire ways to solve such indecision. The first was to write all possible options on alternative sides of a rubber, flick it in the air and let the even hand of gravity decide my fate. Otherwise as a keen netballer (I know, LOL), I would pick up my netball, ask myself a question and go for an impossible shot and if I landed it, the anwser to my question was to be in the affirmative. My point to this story is that kids are stupid AND that I have discovered a much more effective way to assist in making those big life decisions...

I like to call it "The Death Bed Theory". The way it works is, that whenever confronted by one of life's big questions ask yourself what you are likely to think of that decision years down the track when on your death bed. For instance, I was feeling miserable the other day about not having more disposable income to spend on clothes because I've been preoccupied with saving (first world problems). Then I asked myself the question, "Emma, when you're on your death bed are you going to wish you had bought that pair of wedges or would you be more content with the fact you saved that money to travel the world". All of a sudden, material things become unimportant. However, it doesn't have to just be applied to the decision-making process, it can help relieve a sense after guilt after doing something that appears to be negative on its face. A hastily considered example would be eating a lot of cheese on the weekend and feeling guilty about being such a slobby fat mess (relevant to yours truly). When feeling guilty about my excessive cheese consumption I asked myself this "Emma, on your death bed, are you going to look back on your life and wish you ate carrot sticks instead of all that vintage cheddar?" Of course not, because carrots are boring and cheese is amazing.

So in summary, kids are stupid and cheese is the best.
xoxo

P.S Do not apply this theory when choosing your Subway sandwich.

Be honest, meatloaf is not good in any form.

Due to popular demand (in other words a single request from Katie), I have decided to get the ball rolling on this pathetic excuse of a blog again. I also thought it was the perfect time to dedicate what little free moments I currently have to a pointless blog rather than a massive research essay that I have due in 3 days. Priorities. I also decided that playing golf on Rhys' xbox and watching 'Pleasantville' (a movie I have seen probably about 17 times) warranted a far better and worthy use of my time last night. I'm really going places.

Back to the point, it appears that the last post I wrote was just before my departure to South America. It seems fitting that my next post be on the same day I finally manage to pay back my parents for the said trip. Yes, feel free to refer to the date of my last post. Yes, it was a rather long time ago. Two conclusions can be drawn from this; a) the debt rivalled Greece's current financial woes or b) I am an average saver. I like to think it was a little bit from column a) and bit of column b). Regardless, it means I can start actually saving my pennies for something worthwhile again. However, deciding what to save for has left me torn. My brain is saying, "Emma you dumb bitch, Celia is on death row! Whenever she remains stationary for more than 20 seconds she starts spluttering so much that you actually verbally encourage her to get you home. What is wrong with you?!" And my heart is saying "Think about how much fun you had in South America. Stash aside whatever money you have so you can jump on a plane to Africa and go on safari! Do it!" Nutso internal dialogue aside, I'm not really sure what to do but as a logical person I imagine the brain will probably win out. Unfortunately.

So I realised that I haven't actually said anything of substance yet. I dont know how or why anyone (Katie) would choose to read this. Anyway I should probably insert some mandatory life updates just in case I decide to print this out one day and when I undoubtedly get dementia, posts like this might be useful to refer to.

1. If I have indeed gone senile and I am reading this now, your name is Emma. You're in a nursing home and no one is trying to kill you. Stop running through the hallways naked. It's embarrassing for your grandchilden.

2. Now that's out of the way, I have recently been employed at a discount shoe shop. The pay is better than average for retail but I miss the bookshop, I miss the people I used to work with and most of all, I miss my hands not bleeding at the end of an average shift because I have been handling cardboard boxes so much that my skin's cracked. Now I'm never going to be a hand model*

3. Uni is destroying any remaining shread of a soul I had left. 95% of my waking hours are either at work or involve me glued to the laptop writing assignments that will most likely get an extremely average mark anyway (that's the spirit!)

4. In good news the assignments will be completed by Friday and as I finally have a weekend off work, Rhysie, Dermott and I will head down to Rosebud. Hopefully activities will involve eating cheese and drinking wine but this has yet to be confirmed.

That's enough from me for now. I'm going to go listen to the 'Beach Boys' and not do my homework.

xoxo

*note: anyone that knows me/has had the displeasure of coming into contact with my hands would be aware of the impossibility of this dream.

Nerdy Tourist 101

I haven't written here in a while. I'd say it's mainly due to a combination of laziness and a current lack of mental stimulation due to having this trimester off uni to travel. My brain seems to be just useless grey matter that Currently only serves the purpose of filling the otherwise barren space within my skull.

Despite this current condition I'm consoled by the fact that I'm going away in under 3 weeks to South America. Finally. All the time spent saving, working, getting needles, filling out paperwork and meeting with the travel agent appears to be coming to fruition. This time in 3 weeks I will be most likely lying on a picturesque beach in Rio de Janeiro, sipping on cocktails before partying all night for Carnivale. As fantastic as this all sounds I have one concern currently plaguing me. Rio is infamous for petty crime and I don't want my shit stolen. I will be fuming if I even get $20 stolen. This could be due to the fact that I'm a massive tight-arse (I once lost $5 on the pokies and I vowed to never play again and I haven't) or it could be because I have spent so much time thinking about ways of avoiding would-be thieves that I will be disappointed if they manage to out-manouvre me.

So this leads me to an explanation of this blogs title... I tried on some of my travel attire and looked at myself in the mirror and my first thoughts were "you really are your father's daughter" AND secondly, you are a fucking nerd. Here I am trying on money belts weeks in advance of my trip, setting combinations for bag locks and seeing how my backpack looks when worn on my front.

My conclusion, I'm going to look like the ridiculous cliche tourist I once mocked for my entire trip but oddly enough, I have came to the realisation that I have no qualms with this. I'm embracing my inner nerd.

Humans.

I have come to realise that their are a lot of self-absorbed people in this world. They're so wrapped up in their own problems and own dramas that the thought of anyone else having anything significant occuring in their life is beyond them.

I find this infuriating.

They're the types that in the course of a conversation may ask you once how you are (often in a disinterested tone) before desperately trying to find a means to direct the conversation back to themselves. They are convinced they are the centre of the universe (whether they consciously or subconsciously think this way).

I heard a fact recently, "there are roughly 10.3 trillion stars in the known universe for every person on the planet, whilst our planet revolves around 1 star..."

So my message based on this fact is that people should put their own lives in perspective or at least consider the lives of others. We all have our own achievements, dramas, heartaches, disappointments, moments of ecstatic joy and times of soul-crushing sadness. No one's experiences are more significant than anyone elses.

On that note, I'm going to go to pee, go to bed and stare at the ceiling for a while and silently pray that I am not one of these people.

Adious

A bit of BBC to start the week...

When I think about it now, yes I do get upset. I get a bit angry. I get disappointed (mainly in myself) but I have realised that I am too much of an awesome person to care anymore. So when I get that gutted feeling like my insides are actually getting ripped out... I remind myself that I am a pretty cool.

If that doesn't work, nothing beats a bit of Christina Aguilera's 'Fighter' to get me through.

This probably wouldn't make sense to anyone else reading this and that doesn't really bother me. All I know is that when I read this back I will know what I am referring to.

Enough of that, I'm going to the dietician tomorrow. I doubt she will be impressed by my food diary. In fact, I'm pretty repulsed by what I eat. They say that when someone is trying to lose weight they should religiously record everything in a food diary so that the end of the day when you look at it you can appreciate how much horrible stuff you've been eating. Whilst my food diary is not for the purpose of weight loss, but more recording of my sugar intake, it is still quite confronting seeing how much shit I eat.

Considering I meant to be eliminating most forms of sugar in my life I doubt she is going to be impressed with the Cold Rock visit I had this week. Lemon sorbet with nerds, wizz fizz and fruit tingles... so much sugar.

I have no regrets.

Survivors Guide to Law School.

Think about all of the stereotypes of law school and legal types and I can assure you that what you visualise it quite close to the truth. From the Audi driving, immaculately dressed uptown girls to the tutor that wears nothing but sweater and shirt combo's and perpetually has a cup of coffee attached to his hand. The work is hard and unfortunately I'm learning that there are no shortcuts. You work hard or you fail. If you fail and repeat this adds to your ever increasing study debt.

I had an exam on Friday. It went horribly to say the least. Ridiculous time contraints on work that if done properly, would most likely take a couple of days to complete. There were tears and extreme stress from class mates. There was delirious laughter by some upon completion and you could tell exactly what they were thinking, "what the fuck have I gotten myself into?!"


This leads me to a discussion of a brilliant website my sweater-wearing, caffeine-addicted tutor got the class onto, 'Law School: A Survivor's Guide.' One post particularly amused me, it was one of the "You know you're a .... when ..." things that you often see floating around facebook. A few of them were so spot-on and brilliant that they warranted a re-post in my blog.

So you know you're in law school when...

• "You can't remember if you decided to come to law school because you wanted to help people and make a difference in the world or because you hate yourself."
• "In high school, receiving a mark of 80% was the end of the world. Now you're at law school a mak of 80% feels like the best thing that will ever likely happen to you."
• "You can't watch legal shows because of all the inaccuracies. You prefer to watch the far more realistic medical dramas and dream about the career you could have had."
• "When someone tells you things are not as bad as they seem, that person is wrong. Things are as bad as they seem, and they may actually be worse."
• "You realise your life is full of lawsuits waiting to happen. Someone knocks you over at the train station - assault? You're also carrying a bag - trespass to goods? The floor is wet and hasn't been mopped - negligence?"
• "Come exam time you get incredibly frustrated by the amount of study time you lose to mundane yet essential tasks like eating, sleeping and showering..."

Just to reiterate one of the above points, the whole time I was writing this I was thinking about the legalities about not properly attributing the above quotes to it's rightful author. Plagiarism? Copyright infringment?

The fundamental point is this: law life be a cynical life.

Just having a peruse...

I enjoy words that roll off the tongue nicely. Peruse is one of them.

Me: "Do you need a hand finding anything at all?"
Customer: "No, no just perusing."

Brilliant!

Archipelago is another particular favourite of mine. However it's difficult to just slip into conversation - although it has been easier is this last week following the spate of natural disasters afficticting the Indonesian archipelago.

(See what I did there? I managed to slip it in. Boo yeah!)

To tell you the truth, I'm going to stop there. I just realised how tired I am. I have a massive case of the CBFs at the moment.

I'm a horrible blogger. The last one I wrote was over a month ago and this is the best I can do? Pathetic.

I feel like a foot massage, some reassurance and an email from my tutor to say tomorrow's class is cancelled so I can catch-up on some sleep.

xoxo
P.S Meagan I am both inspired and saddened of your abandoing of Facebook. I wish I had your strength.

Trust, "faggots" and sugar-free life.

Beware: no thought has gone into this blog whatsoever. I've hastily stumbled into writing this so I can change the little blog title on my facebook page to something a little less emo. I've been letting the emo take over a far too much lately. Kind of like the "bad Spiderman" in Spiderman 3, however I'm minus the cocky attitude and the gay fringe. By the way, if I make any reference to homosexuality on the internet will my readership condemn me like tweeters condemned Stephanie Rice for the use of the word "faggot" in her tweet? If truth be told, in context it was actually quite amusing. Don't get me wrong, in the wrong context I find the word offensive but it's not likely she went on some anti-gay tyrade saying something along the lines of "burn all faggots!" or the like....

Now onto a totally different topic which I am going to start with a dicitionary definition...

Trust: firm reliance on the integrity, ability or character of a person or thing.

Another definition...

Trust: One of the hardest things to obtain and one of the easiest things to lose.

I like to think I am trustworthy kind of person. I like to think I show integrity and character but why, when displaying on the traits that constitutes trustworthiness am I still not completely trusted? I don't get it.

Finally, I will publicly declare that I'm back to eating meat. Not out of choice mind you, it's because I recently found out I'm fructose intolerant and because I can eat so little now, I have to go back to eating meat as it is one of the few things I'm permitted to consume. So I unfortunately have come to the moral crossroads where I have to choose between self-preservation and animal preservation. As a human I position myself at the center of the universe so the former prevailed. I'm not going to lie, I feel dreadful for doing it...really, really dreadful but if you understood how little I can now eat it makes sense. A short and in no way comprehensive list of what I'm NOT allowed:

Almost all fruit (including tomatoes)
Most vegetables (including onion and lettuce even!)
A lot of herbs and spices (no garlic!)
No wheat products (fructose is found in wheat products)
Pretty much any processed food as everything contains sugar
Marinades, sauces, vegetable and beef stocks
Chocolate (or fake chocolate)
Alcohol (no more than 1 glass of white wine)

And that's not eveything. Eating used to be a joy. It's not anymore :o(

In good news! Grand Final Day, Epic Weekend Away, Steresonic, Falls Festival and summer are all just around the corner! Can't hardly wait! (Red flag: Is that also the title of a movie made in the 90s? A horrible, horrible movie?)

That's all
Nighty-night
oxxo

Fuck up 101

This is what a shit human looks like. Have a look. See what you can improve on.

I feel shit house. Really, really shit house and there is nothing I can or could have done about it.

That's what makes it that little bit worse. ..

Tranquilize the beast!!

This blog, up until about 5 seconds ago (when I had a kind of epiphany mid-sneeze) was going to be one of my periodic purging of the crazy in my life. I see my inner crazy side as being a kind erractic, unrestrained beast that when it rears it's ugly head requires prompt tranquilization and swift caging. If my inner BBC was to take an animal form perhaps it would be a lion or perhaps a less noble animal...maybe a disease-ridden monkey. I'm not too sure. Anyway, instead of going on a tyrade about;

a) My body being pretty much deficient in everything and pathetic
b) The fact that I'm almost pooping my pants I'm so nervous about starting uni again and the possibility of failure
c) How long it is until summer...

I have decided to write a list of my favourite things (you might have noticed by now that I like writing lists, it's a bit of an OCD trait of mine - For instance, I've already written a "to pack" list for my trip to South America which is 6 months away)

A few of my favourite things...

* Being around my loved ones
* Waking up, my alarm going off and realising I have no where I need to be.
* Being in bed when it's raining outside
* Getting into my comfies after a long day
* Seeing Rhys at the end of a such a day
* Waking up/falling asleep to rain on the roof
* The outdoors
* Being in love (note: this can also be a LEAST favourite thing)
* The euphoria after a Richmond win
* The warm, fuzzy drunk from red wine
* Dinner dates with my bitches
* The relief after handing in an assignment - nothing beats it
* Mojitos in summer
* A good cup of chai
* Cheese
* Cuddles from my significant other
* Summer nights
* People watching - anywhere, anytime
* Baby's laughing
* The feeling of accomplishment after a decent work-out
* Reading the last page of a good book
* Capturing a perfect photo
* Reunions with family and friends
* Well-illustrated picture books
* Going on an adventure
* Long, hot showers
* The drive home FROM work
* Being at airports because they're the gateway to the world
* My bonsai tree
* Sunsets - sunrises are overrated, they're too early and they don't produce the pretty purple colours sunsets do.
* Spending all day long at the beach, no make-up, no stess, sand in my hair and knowing that it's acceptable for me to wear my bathers around for hours afterwards.
* Going to a party when all my friends are collectively reckless
* Wendy's flake shakes
* My new camera
* Wood-fire pizza cooking days at the Barnes household
* Summer at Phillip Island, Rosebud and Tathra
* Beer pong
* Armani Code for Women. Mmmmmm.
* Love Actually - gives me a similar warm fuzzy feeling that red wine does.
* Grand Final Day - everyone is in a festive spirit, getting loose and watching the best game in the world
* Alfred Nicholas Gardens
* Cyber stalking - everyone
* Daydreaming of my trip to South America.
* Palmer's Cocoa Butter
* Bread - a consequence of working in a bakery for so many years
* Sitting in front of the open fire on a cold night

That'll do. I feel sufficiently positive after writing and reading that list that I think I can go to sleep relatively peaceful and content

A couple of side notes for future Emma if, when reading this, would like to know what Emma is actually doing at this current time in her life rather than reading a whimsical discussion on things that present-tense Emma likes... (back to the lists - OCD life)

* Future Emma, your younger self just came back from the snow last week. She went with her boyfriend Rhys to Mount Beauty and attempted to snowboard at Falls Creek. It was a lovely, perfect, relaxing couple of days...however, I will be surprised if you (future Emma) turns out to be a professional snowboarder. Seriously, you sucked so fucking hard. You really don't know how to balance. I hope this has improved for you with age Emma. By the way, current Emma is concerned about her emerging cellulite and frown lines. I assume this has worstened with time...
* At the time of writing I am going to attend a Monash Uni post-grad law welcome breakfast this morning (yes, it has passed 12 so you only have around 6 hours until you have to wake-up). Tough break...
* Election day is on Saturday. Tony Abbott VS Julia Gillard. Future Emma, I sincerely hope you will read this and this will trigger your memory of the election of '10 and you will think "Oh of course! The election of the 21st of August when both the Liberal Party and ALP headquarters were claimed by massive sinkholes that mysteriously and inexplicably swallowed both leaders and the majority of their spin-doctoring, lacking-in-substance, pathetic excuses for political parties whole.

On that note, goodnight my dear cyber friends
xoxo

P.S Meagy, I assure you you are not crazy as your blog suggests. I am more crazy, however like I said, I tranquilize the beast in its tracks.
P.P.S Speaking of beasts, that reminds me of dinosaurs, the movie 'Jurassic Park' and a conversation I had recently. I think it's time I go back to uni considering that in a discussion of nature's "survival of the fittest" I frequently referenced 'Jurassic Park' over any evolutionary scientists of note.
P.P.P.S I'm sorry if this blog sounds nutso, I'm at my most mentally feral in the wee hours.

Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde

I will begin by making a point of the fact that I have never read or seen any film depictions of 'The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde' therefore my connections drawn between it's plot and the characters in my own life may be quite vague and misinformed. But, with that being said I am going to recklessly continue...

What I can gather about the plot is the Dr Jekyll is a respected doctor with plenty of friends and a kind disposition. However, after drinking a potion of his own creation a dark, violent and aggressive side to Dr Jeckyll emerges and this evil part of his split-personality becomes known as Mr Hyde. The broad theme to this story appears to be that everyone has a dark, suppressed aspect of their nature that can potentially rear it's ugly head when for some reason the circumstances permit it. Depictions of split-personality have been common in cinema and books, for instance, my favourite potrayal of split-personality disorder would have to be the protagonist in 'Fight Club' (I apologise to anyone that hasn't read or seen 'Fight Club' as that most definitely was a plot-spoiler). As you never know the name of the protagonist in 'Fight Club', I will refer to him as "John Smith" and his alter-ego is of course Tyler Durden. "John Smith" work a soul-sucking desk job specializing in faulty recalls at a car company and leads a relatively mundane and unobtrusive existence. Tyler Durden on the otherhand is a nihilistic anarchist whose charisma and wit elevates him to a position of an almost demigod amongst the members of his weekly fight club meetings.

Anyway, whilst these characters are both extreme examples of people with violent split-personality disorders, I think that everyone has a good and bad side to their character and in some people it's just more pronouned than others. I have someone in my life who is a prime example of this.

(Before you jump to conclusions as to who I am referring to, it is not Rhys. He is lovely all the time)

Going back to what I was saying, this person in my life can quikly shift between kind and cruel without their being a moments notice. This person can be friendly, funny and generally good-natured part of the time and then the polar opposite the next. Whilst this person is certainly not violent, I can sense a bad mood a mile off by a certain way their lip snarls, brow furrows and a particular look in their eye. I automatically feel tense and I know there is not one thing I can say or do that won't attract some kind of nasty or hurtful comment in response which (given my stubborn nature) usually sparks an argument/World War 3.

I hate walking on egg shells around this person and more than anything I hope that the recent and more frequent visits of the "Mr Hyde" aspect to his character do not forever tarnish the happier memories we have... because as it stands, this could potentially be the case if things continue as they do.

Gillard, love and all things vegetable.

No, I am not in love with Julia Gillard. Just because those words are in close proximity to each other in my title should not suggest that I am in love with our newly unappointed PM. This is despite the fact that my significant other made the (dangerous) comment yesterday that my new haircut made me look like her. However, he also accidently headbutted me that very same day, laughed and said "take that you common whore" so I think I'll take the "you look like Gillard" comment with a grain of salt. He must have been having a bad day on COD and it seems that a bad day of COD has the equivalent symptoms of the female PMS.

Going back to Gillard, I am of a mixed opinion of her currently. Sure she has dyed her hair a more flattering shade of red which ever-so-slightly distinguishes her from the common ginger but I still think she is a real bitch at the moment. 100% undeniable bitch. And sure, as a politician I think she is brilliant and has displayed such brilliance in her ability to a) climb so high on the political ladder in what is otherwise a male-dominated arena b) manage the biggest portfolio in federal politics under Rudd's leadership (workplace relations and education) c) be able to relate to the "everyday Australian" - something that Rudd was widely criticized for not doing through his "intellectual jibberish" 4) turn around popularity poll's in the lead-up to the upcoming election. However, despite this, like I said, absolute bitch. She constantly stressed how she would faithfully serve under Rudd and quote "you will see me on the bulldogs forward line before you see me Prime Minister". On the Monday of Rudd's final week/early exit/betrayal/backstabbing/, ALP frontbenchers (including Gillard aka Judas?) stated that Rudd had the full support of the Labour caucas. Yeah...rightio. Whilst this was all happening the supposed "left-wing" socialist Gillard was consorting with her ideological enemies within the ALP - the right-wing faction. So much for "faithfully serving" you scrag! Sure Rudd had his own shortcomings however he was an intelligent man who had nothing but the best intentions and deserved greater dignity than to have the rug pulled out from underneath him after 25 years of public service. I will never forget his final address and the shattered expression on his face as he watched parliament proceed from the backbench. It was a look of total devestation. He was a broken man.

Enough of that, I will now move onto a happier topic. L.O.V.E. I am at the beautiful, giddy, all warm and fuzzy, wonderfully in love zone at the moment. It's amazing that after carrying around a considerable amount of baggage, bitterness and misconceptions about the male species, Rhys has in 6 months eliminated all of them. I struggle to think of anyone more loyal, caring, fun, selfless, kind and honest than Rhys. When I see his face I feel so much affection for him its overwhelming and I get this kind of involuntary spasm that means I must hug him when he's nearby. He is a good person.

Finally, vegetables. I have had it up to here (I wish there were some kind of emoticon that could illustrate me gesturing what "up to here" is) with people asking me "why the fuck would you want to be a vegetarian?" Consequently, my next blog shall provide a point-by-point guide as to why giving up meat is a) philosophically and ethically right b) good for your health and c) beneficial to the enviroment. Eight months on and despite the occasional slip-up (it's hard to go cold turkey - note meat pun), I am still dedicated to the cause and hopefully have proven that this is just not a phase. Taking moral considerations into account, I cannot justify the slaughter of animal for my momentary pleasure of tasting its flesh. We seem to live in an anthropocentric (human-centred) world, however animals and the envionment should not exist purely for human exploitation.

That's enough on that topic. I will delve into it more deeply in a future blog. Oh god... I just realised I have lost much of my readership by the fact that not only did I talk about politics for a considerable period of time but also about vegetarianism. Most people hate politics and hate vegetarians. So great, you probably hate me now.

Stay classy,
xoxo

Lessons we should learn from Riley

"The Short and Incredibly Happy Life of Riley" is a children's picture story book by Colin Thompson that has got to be one of my favourite picture books of all time. You may be asking, "why is Emma reading picture books?" In response, refer to my previous blog and my mention of my Peter Pan Syndrome. Not only that, I love picture books for their illustrations and often cute little life lessons that accompany them. I can't wait to have kids one day purely so I can finally justify buying these books that are in fact marketed towards kids of about five.

Back to topic, "The Short and Incredibly Happy Life of Riley" tells the tale of a rat who appreciates the little things in life and is content with not being, having, seeing the best of everything. The book constantly juxtaposes what is wrong with humans and what we can learn from living a more simple, Riley-esque type existence.

An couple of example passages,

"Riley looked in the mirror and didn't think anything. There he was, not too big, not too small, simply himself - Riley. However people look in the mirror and get very depressed.... They want to be taller-shorter-thinner-here-but-much-bigger-there-curly-straight-younger-older-less-spotty-moustache-smooth-skin-golden-sun-tan-gorgeous-irresistible-not-bald-and-famous-in-a-painting"

"Riley fell in love with the first girl he met. He thought she was perfect and the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. They had lots and lots of perfect children and all lived happily ever after, except Kevin who got hit by a bus but he was still happy because he never saw it coming. People fall in love all over the place... They fall in love with themselves and as many other people as they can. They want to spend the rest of their lives with the most-beautiful-funniest-curviest-clever-but-not-as-clever-as-me-exciting-I-wonder-what-I-ever-saw-in-him/her-my-wife/husband/partner/dog-doesn't-understand-me-do-you-come-here-often-anyone-everyone-in-the-world"

(Tompson, Hatchette, 2005)

In short, this book is gorgeous and everyone should read it! I pick it up when I'm feeling down and it never fails to improve my mood.

However in talking about moods, I'm currently extremely happy for the following reasons (cue mandatory life update)

1. I got into law at Monash. I start in late August! After years of studying I'm now preparing to embark on more years of studying. Wooohoo (?)
2. I'm in love
3. I have the best family and friends in the known universe
4. I've signed up to the gym again and I'm jumping back aboard the health train.

Ciao!

The Bucket List

I have Peter Pan syndrome. I miss my childhood more than I can say and the thought that with each day, each hour and each second I'm getting closer to my death frightens me. I'm not scared of death as such. I know that a) there is no afterlife, b) that I will rot and decompose in the ground (without my vital organs) c) it will be exactly like the nothingness before life. I comforted by the fact that after I die, the world will keep turning, the sun will rise in the East and set in the West, people will keep living their lives and my fleeting existence will be soon forgotten about. The only reason that death frightens me is that I don't ever want to get to my death bed and feel like my time has been wasted, or I have pursued a career that didn't interest me or worst of all, just settled with what's comfortable. Like the saying goes, "life begins at the end of your comfort zone"... In saying this, I have decide to compile a "bucket list" of sorts that includes both outlandish childhood aspirations and current goals that if I were to fufill one (or ideally more than one), I would die relatively content...

*Please note, this list gets quite lengthy so I encourage you not to read on too far. It is more of a personal reference list that I will one day print and attempt (as much as time, funds and circumstances permit me)

1) Get married, have a happy family and my own two little kiddies that I can teach to become awesome little humans
2) Write a book
3) Become an orphan elephant carer
4) Get a job on 'Getaway'
5) Jump off a cliff (into water of course, otherwise the bucket list would end here)
6) Travel around South America
7) Work and live in Europe for at least a year. Visit every European capital
8) Buy my own house that includes a veggie patch, library, open fire place and a display cupboard for all the teacups I will have collected by the time I can actually afford to buy my own house.
9) Study law, get into practice and one day offer my services pro bono to the disadvantaged
10) See the Great Wall of China
11) Go trekking in Nepal
12) Go on a safari in Africa
13) See the Pyramids of Giza, visit the Valley of the Kings and the Karnak temple
14) Visit heaven on Earth (the Maldives)
15) Bike ride around the French countryside
16) Eat as many different types of cheese and try as many different wines as possible
17) Go back to Vietnam for a couple of months.
18) Drive around Australia in a van, doing casual jobs here and there and living on beaches in Northern Queensland.
19) Explore the Amazon.
20) Get my photo taken at Times Square
21) See Harajuko girls of Japan...actually just see Japan in general.
22) Learn to play the guitar.
23) Teach myself Spanish
24) Snorkelling at the Great Barrier Reef
25) Go shopping in London
26) Drink guiness in Ireland
27) Visit the Berlin wall
28) Be alive to witness aliens first contact with Earth
29) Learn salsa and ballroom dancing
30) Be able to do the splits
31) Teach myself to juggle
32) Take kickboxing classes
33) Join a book club/start a book club
34) Swim with sharks
35) Own a pet snake
36) Sky dive
37) Learn how to drive a manual and drive a race car
38) Be in Rio for Carnival
39) Watch the running of the bulls in Pamplona
40) Be in the crowd for an English soccer match
41) Spend a night in a French Chateau or a European castle
42) Visit the Lourve in Paris
43) Kiss the Blarney Stone
44) Get a photo on the crossing outside the Abbey Road Studios
45) Visit Havana in Cuba
46) Host my own high tea party
47) Sail around the Greek Islands
48) See the biggest democracy in action in India
49) Buy a DSLR camera and do a photography course
50) Do lessons in painting
51) Buy the Rolling Stones 'Best 500 records of all time'
52) Go to Oktober Fest' in Germany
53) Go whale watching
54) Road trip to Byron bay with friends
55) See the Cherry Blossom Festival in Japan
56) Visit Gion and the old geisha districts in Japan
57) Learn to play chess
58) Become a skilled Barista
59) Try my hand at poetry
60) Experience weightlessness
61) Participate in the World's largest food fight
62) Be in Thailand for a latern lighting festival
63) Become an aunty
64) Learn how to do a backflip
65) Learn to make a least 20 different cocktails
66) Keep a recipe journal
67) Attend a ball (a proper ball)
68) Live in the city and have a view of the city skyline
69) Buy, grow and maintain a Japanese Maple Bonsai tree.
70) Become self-sufficient (veggie garden, chickens, eggs etc)
71) Build a pond
72) See Cirque Du Soleil
73) Go on a long, long train journey (destination currently unknown - possibly the Trans-Siberian Railway or the Orient Express)
74) Explore the Galapogas Islands
75) Go rural for a while
76) Fly in a fighter jet
77) Drive along Route 66 in the US
78) Fly over Antartica
79) See an active volcano
80) Shower in a waterfall
81) Gamble in Vegas
82) Make my bedroom look as picturesque as an Ikea catalogue
83) Get into optimal physical shape
84) Invent somthing
85) Finally be organised and be completely on top of everything
86) Do the Kakoda trail
87) Volunteer (regularly) at a Salvo's soup van
88) Sing in front of a crowd
89) Learn the inner working of a car and learn to do car maintenance myself
90) Try the national cuisine and drink of every country I visit
91) Visit a blues bar in Chicago
92) Learn to surf
93) Sew my own dress
94) Watch turtles hatch and make their epic journey from sand to sea
95) Adopt a dog that is about to be put-down
96) See how long I can stay awake for in one stint
97) Read every Pulitzer Prize winning novel
98) Read my massive history guide (front to back)
99) See the Terracotta Warriors
100) See the Taj Mahal
101) See the monuments of ancient Rome
102) Visit Russia in the Winter
103) Witness the Northern Lights

Wow! This quickly got out of hand! However I will surely add more soon. Let's just hope I live until about 200 years old so I can fit it all in...

1,2,3,4, I declare a gender war...

I'm awake and it's late. I'm not going to lie, it's because my ovaries hurt. There, I said it. MY OVARIES HURT! This experience has catalysed a list compiling excercise of all that wrong with being born female. To begin...

1) Child birth - pain, placenta, lots of pain
2) On average women get paid 15% less than men for doing comparative work.
3) Waxing.
4) The expectation of changing your surname when married
5) Going to clubs in winter and having to wear dresses.
6) For my muslim sisters out there, having no rights whatsoever and being treated like substandard humans. Stonings, burqa's, restricted access to education, beatings etc etc.
7) For my African sisters out there, female genital mutilation.
8) Domestic duties
9) Being naturally physically weaker than males
10) Not being able to talk to an unknown male when out (if you have a boyfriend) without others raising eyebrows.
11) Stocking crotch sag. Stockings never fit.
12) Buying a new pair of stockings every week because they seem to be one-use only before getting covered in holes.
13) Menstruation and then one day menopause. Yuck.
14) Girl group politics
15) In relation to the above point, psychological studies have shown that some 40% of women will deliberately tell their girlfriends that what they're wearing looks good if it doesn't. This is so they will look better in comparison and have more luck with potential mates. In other words, girls are bitches.
16) Cosmo and cleo magazines.
17) Gossip Girl - everything wrong with the female world compacted into 30 minutes of viewing.
18) For my Chinese sisters out there, the "one child policy" means that most Chinese parents want a male heir and therefore you will most likely be abandoned by a roadside.
19) Child birth (the need to reemphasise this seemed necessary)


There's plenty more but the four valarian tablets and 3 pandol I just took have just kicked in and I'm getting drowsy. Very drowsy indeed.

Build-a-human

Today I was contemplating my disappointment with my face, body, lack of one talent that I can define myself by/that I was freakishly good at and so on and so forth. Some people are born with amazing pitch and a perfectly tuned ear for music, others are naturally good painters, some people naturally make better acrobats and some people can retain so much information that they will naturally be amazing scientists, doctors etc. Some people become comedians because they have the innate ability to make any situation funny and make people laugh without even making a concerted effort. The examples are endless. I'm envious of people that have a specialized talent or are a leader in their field. Sure I'm good at a few things but there's is nothing special or exceptional about being a good all-rounder. That being said, being the very best at everything would make you a super human and that is impossible (unless you were Leonardo Da Vinci who in my opinion was closest person in history in achieving super human status). All of this had me thinking, that if I were to have the opportunity to rebuild myself from scratch, what qualities would I steal from others....

Face: A toss-up between Grace Kelly, Natalie Portman, Adriana Lima and Beyonce Knowles
Body: Salma Hayek
Brain: A combination of the knowledge of Leonardo Da Vinci, Richard Dawkins, Barry Jones and Peter Singer
Voice: Whitney Houston or Florence from 'Florence and the Machine'

There are many more qualities I wish I could poach from others but for the time being (until science advances to the point that I can upload knowledge from other people's brains for instance), I will have to be content will my freckly, short and somewhat mediocre self.

Scattered

I already feel uncomfortable with the lack of structure this blog is going to take. One thing stressed at uni more than anything was that when writing (essays in particular) ensure it has a clear and coherent structure and that it flows nicely. Considering I have now officially been an "alumni" for the last 6 months perhaps I can relax such rules...

My mind feels like a scattered mess today. Correction, my mind has been a scattered mess for the last week or so. One minute I feel incredibly happy, the littlest things make me laugh and I fall asleep with ease (a rarity believe me). Other days or even just moments in days, I feel listless, bored with a bit of self-loathing thrown into the mix. I don't know what I can attribute the latter feelings too. I have an awesome family, loyal and fun friends, an amazingly lovely boyfriend and the coolest dog going around but still get moments of the sads. Why? Possible reasons...

1. I've never been rejected or faced as many set-backs as I have in the last 6 months in relation to study. Everything used to come so easy! I wrote an application, sent it in, waited and pow! I was in. Now everything seems so much harder. Perseverence is key but if anyone had the amount of set-backs I've had recently they too would be disheartened.
2. Travel seems so far away. I would like to go now please. I feel like I'm getting stifled by the hills.
3. I'm bored and unmotivated.


I just wish I could rewind back to summer and slow down time so I can relive the days and nights at Rosebud and Rye, drinking at the Portsea pub and lazing on the beach all day.


On a couple of unrelated notes:
* The news tonight featured a report on damage to Myki ticketing systems at railways. Upwey ranked 5th having 15 incidents of damage last year. Upwey is finally on the map. Go Upwey! We have quality, dedicated station rats.
*Despite the considerable flak the Rudd government has copped in recently (at times deserved), I'm impressed with the federal budget. There. I said it.

I just realised how incredibly self-indulgent and emo this blog is so I'll leave it at that I think.

Subliminal message??

see it, hear it, feel it, sing it, say it, dance it, paint it, run it, jump it, dodge it, say it, work it, move it, fix it, write it, fill it, stack it, shake it, say it, buy it, love it, use it, break it, bury it, spin it, smash it, say it, leave it, walk it, spit it, clap it, hide it, mean it, pray it, clean it, say it, throw it, climb it, screw it, draw it, do it, read it, avoid it, say it, touch it, scream it, bin it, push it, tell it, show it, parade it, weave it, create it, sift it, sew it, make it, protect it, teach it, save it, say it, forget it, cut it, plant it, grow it, say it, mould it, bend it, drink it, smoke it, eat it, kill it, try it, replace it, shut it, dream it, swim it, fly it, say it, say it, SAY IT

again....

Synae…what? Synaesthesia? That tastes weird.

There are some things I question in life. Like how some people have the phobia of the feeling of peanut butter stuck to the roofs of their mouths or how apparently some people have the phobia of ducks watching them... I think I have the phobia of cats watching me. Cats make me feel uncomfortable. They stare. It's creepy. Anyway, today I read about a neurological condition known as "Synaesthesia". According to trusty Wikipedia, "Synaethesia" refers to the neurological condition "in which stimulation of one sensory or cognitive pathway leads to automatic, involuntary experiences in a second cognitive or sensory pathway". This sounds dull reader (oh! I mean readers! Hi Em!), but let me assure you it is amazingly fascinating!

For instance, one form of "Synaethesia" is known as "Lexical-Gustatory" which is a strand of sensory/cognitive confusion whereby people can actually taste words. The word "word" for example may taste like roast potatoes. The word "table" might taste like gummi bears. The word "sky" could potentially taste like cabbage. What would make things really confusing would be if the word "chocolate" tasted like soy sauce! Weird.

This makes me think about individual differences in perception and how the brain receives and processes information differently. Or worse still, receives information from the external world and contorts it. I often contemplate the affects of insanity and how people can have wildly animated conversations with themselves. I've seen people laugh uncontrollably, swear, argue, sob and discuss the weather with themselves being the only apparent audience. It would appear that whatever they are seeing is as clear as day...to them at least anyway. This concerns me and makes me think, perhaps I am insane? The way we interpret sensory information is subjective and the mind is our own private little world. For example, there is no way we can be exactly sure that how we experience pain from an open flame is the same as the person next to us. We can only make assumptions that their physiological response to pain induced from a burn is similar from their verbal descriptions of their experience. We can't feel what other people feel or see through another person's eyes... Anyway, going back to the point regarding my sanity, for all I know everyone around me could be a figment of my imagination! What if they were simply my own conjured-up apparitions. Thinking about these things makes my brain hurt and feel incredibly burdened so I will stop now.

These thoughts have been stressing me out so I'm glad I've dumped them on here.

On another note, tomorrow's to-do list:

Coffee with Meagan and Brodie
Borrow 'The Philadelphia Story'
Pirate as much music as possible (maybe even pirate pirate music. Sea shanties?)
And apps, apps, Apps! (job application that is, not iphone apps you nerds!)

Goodnight
xoxo

Blogotherapy

It's always the people closest to you that do the most damage. You know they have said something brutal when it sparks a 20 - 30 second physical breakdown in which you cant seem to take in oxygen and all that your body can muster is odd, wheezing sounds.

Humans never fail to surprise me in how nasty and cold they can be.